changes... the beautiful pain.

Friday, June 19, 2009

As a mom right now I am struggling as I watch my children change and grow up. It's wonderful and awful all at the same time. I get a surge of pride as I see them accomplish something so grown up on their own, and the next moment my heart breaks a little knowing I am losing a part of their "littleness" everyday.
It's not even "big" things, but in the silly, small things that I am now so aware of. Bubba is learning to spell things on his own, Moo finally coloring within the lines, both of them taking on the task of making their own sandwiches at lunch time. Simple things. I realize now more then ever, how much of the little moments I missed out on with them during our years as a family of three. It makes the past 6 months of being home with them everyday so much more significant, but also the changes and growth in them that much harder to bear.

For instance, Moo has already lost her two bottom teeth and in it's place are two of her crooked adult teeth. My Moo has always had the sweetest smile and I have looked at her smile and those little baby teeth everyday since they first erupted. Yesterday we were hanging out on my bed, having some girl talk and I asked her if she had any more loose teeth. Come to find out her top two teeth are both very loose... she was so excited! I was too, for about 30 seconds, and then I realized soon her little smile is going to change forever. She will still be as beautiful to me, and her smile just as heartwarming, but her face is going to really change once those sweet milk teeth fall out and her big awkward adult teeth come in and take over her tiny little mouth.

Also, knowing that this is our last pregnancy, I was looking at her and realizing she will be my only daughter. I will never again hold my own tiny newborn girl in my arms and watch her sweet face and bald head grow up. Sure, we desire to adopt and want to adopt a girl, but who knows if that is in the Lord's plan for us? I found myself thinking these thoughts while chatting and admiring my sweet 5 year old girl and I just wanted to memorize her face and hold her captive at this age and not let her grow up.

This mothering thing is hard. It's hard to love these little ones so much and really hold on to everyday moments... it is hard to watch them grow up. No one tells you that it hurts a little to watch your kids develop. It's such a good thing, but it is very bittersweet.