reunion... to go or not to go?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

About a month ago I caught wind of something that got me really very excited.

Back in my high school days, which really were not great for me at all in most aspects due to just some personal stuff I had going on (like severe depression... that always make the social aspect of school more enjoyable doesn't it? Ha); the one area of my school life that was pretty much my lifeline, my social life, my place I was totally comfortable was in our jazz choir. Our school was lucky enough to have an excellent choir director, Dave Cross and the two select jazz choirs he directed were some of the best in the northwest state regions.

I was lucky enough to have found myself in his all girls select choir my sophomore year. My first year of high school, after homeschooling my freshman year. It was a fluke that I ended up in the class, as all of the other girls had had to audition the year before to get into this choir and when I enrolled for school I just picked it off the list because I liked to sing, and had sung a few solos in the Christmas Plays at church, and one of my best friends was also going to be in the class.

He did end up making me audition and kept me even though I couldnt read music very well at all ( I am sure I tried to fake it!). That decision to allow me to stay in the choir helped keep me grounded and gave me something to look forward to everyday when my depression was at its worst and I hated school... I could always have a great 45 minutes in choir.

I had a blast learning how to use my voice and sing different parts and even read music. The friends I made were awesome, and it was like a whole other world inside of high school, where your social "class" or clique didnt really matter and the cheerleaders sang and hung out with the science nerds. It was so great.

During my junior year, my depression deepened and I ended up missing alot of school. At the time I wasnt aware I was depressed, It wasnt talked about much 10 years ago, and I just struggled getting out of bed in the morning and for some reason just wanted to hide from the world. Nothing bad was actually happening at school, I had friends, I did great academically, but for some reason I was just so sad inside and didnt want to be with the outside world. Classic symptoms today for anyone familiar with depression.

I stayed on in the choir my junior year and it truly was what kept me going throughout the year. I know it was disappointing to Mr Cross who held a high standard for excellence that I was gone so often from school. At the end of the year he would post what choir you were going to be in for the next year based on an audition and your performance in class that year. Most all junior girls moved up to the mixed select jazz choir, it was pretty much expected.

When the names were posted I was puzzled as I couldnt find my name on either the mixed choir or the girls choir lists. I was sure it was a typo until later in the day when we got to class I asked him and he told me that he wanted me in the "other" mixed choir. Which was not really a "select" choir... it was like the one filled with all freshman and sophmores. A total "step down".

He told me he loved my voice and what I added to the choir, but because of my attendance he couldnt reward me with a "promotion" to the select mixed choir, or keep me in the girls choir.
He said he hoped I would step up to the challenge and be a leader in the other choir.

I, of course, was devastated. I remember standing in his office with him as he explained it, just crying and crying. And I am not a girl to cry in public, never have been. I am sure I pleaded with him for a second chance, but he had to stick to what he felt he had to do.

I ended up dropping choir for my senior year, and then ended up dropping out of high school about 8 weeks into that year due to my depression worsening to the point of being suicidal.

Looking back, I know he did what he felt was right. He didnt know that I was depressed, heck I didnt know, my parents didnt know. I know he made that call because he wanted to stir me to get my butt to class and prove him wrong. Maybe he would have moved me back up to the select choir had I started coming every day. Who knows.

I respect his decision and I pretty much always have. He is to this day my favorite teacher and because of him I have the only good memories of my time at high school.

There is going to be a choir reunion this coming Saturday and when I first heard about it I was so excited. But as time went on I started getting really nervous because everyone seems to be bringing their spouse. Remember me? The drop out? Oh yeah I'm divorced... thats a shocker. Can't you see it?

What if no one remembers me? What if I have no one to talk to and I end up feeling like an idiot? All the what ifs have been swirling around my head.

I want to go, because it would be so good to see Mr Cross and show him that I ended up ok, great in fact, I am successful in my life, I'm a good mom, I'm good at my job and I have awesome friends and I have a good life. And I still love music, and that I'm not mad at him for the choice he had to make back then.

So, I think I will go (I have to get a babysitter). But I know I will be second guessing myself all the way up until I drive up to the venue. What do you think? Any words of advice or encouragement??